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[Most Recent Entries]
Below are the 13 most recent journal entries recorded in
|Monday, December 29th, 2014|
The Good Always Die Young... RIP Maurice L Cote of RI
Last time I wrote I was 15 or 16 and going through what i perceived at the time to be the worst time of my life... Boy was I wrong... Current Mood: numb
Im 26 now, this is ten years later. I have gone through debilitating heartbreak, grief that made me want to curl up and die. You name it.
I have an amazing daughter named Autumn, the light of my life, but she drives me crazy sometimes... I work full time right now, Thank god I have my mother and father willing to help me out as much as possible. I'm also in school, still completing prerequisites, but I think I should be able to apply for the nursing program soon.
I realize a lot of families aren't as close as I am with mine... Cousins are just cousins to some people. But not to me. Cousins are our first set of friends. Some of mine are close like siblings... My cousin Maurice. He passed away on the 19th of Decemeber of this the year 2014... He had just turned 30 on the 10th.. On the 14th I got a text message from his sister, another very close cousin of mine, that he was having seizures and was being whisked to landmark hospital. (For those that are in RI... u know that landmark hospital is known for being an intensely shitty hospital). Having not the proper equipment to deal with a case such as Maurice's they then sent him to RI Hospital. 12 hours later! They finally did an MRI and determined that he had 5 simultaneous strokes. But there was still hope. Stubborness runs in our family, and when I tell you he was stubborn, he was so stubborn it was the death of him... :(
The next few days were crucial. He had to have some of his cerebrospinal fluid drained because his brain was so swollen from all the damage caused by the strokes. PS: Our maternal grandmother had her first stroke at 38 years old. They did a chest x ray and found a plethura of pulmonary embolisms, ie clots. Obviously one of those travelled from his lungs and into his brain and became lodged.
Reading and reading and reading. PUlmonary embolisms usually only happens when there are blood clots in the legs (DVT: Deep Vein Thrombosis) which is caused mostly by blood pooling in the veins in the legs... He had none. This made no sense to me... Maybe something genetic? Lo and Behold the nurses said they were testing for genetic clotting disorders because something like this shouldn't have happened to a youg man... They put him on blood thinners, heparin. Which only worked to thin the blood that was not already clotted. What about the clots? He could have another stroke any time now... They refused to give him a clot buster because they were afraid of a bleed in his brain... Understandable, definitely not something one wants. But what if it had helped.
The 3rd night there... he had another stroke. This one affected his brain stem, which is where the rate of his breathing and heartbeat are controlled. There was a lot of damage... They said that day to come say our goodbyes. The family came, his fiance came. We all cried. A good man too young to go. I willed him to fight this. I willed him to wake up, open his eyes... something. But there was nothing.
The next day, we had a bit of hope. They had told us the day before that they would not pronounce him dead until there was no brain activity at all. And if there was even a smidge of it, they would continue to treat him. There was activity. I felt hopeful, positive, like I had the whole time he was in the hospital. Went to see him in the hospital with his sister. We prayed over him, and even the swelling had gone down in his head... I left with shining hope that night. I wondered if he knew what was happening outside his little world. i wondered if he was in pain or scared....
The next day they did a test for brain activity again... There was none. He was gone. They kept him on the respirator in hopes of harvesting his organs as he was a giving man and was an organ donor. It seemed sick to me, disrespectful. Morbid. People kept telling me, that thats how he wanted it, so be it.
Yesterday, December 28th, was his service. Lots of tears. I feel numb, like this is all some bad dream and I should wake up any minute... But Im stuck. During the service, I went through the somber line of grieving family members, his mother and step father, his father and step mother, his fiance, and his sister and her husband. All grieving, all crying. Tight hugs, as if the tighter the hug the more the person is saying, its ok let it out, let it all out... Then I saw him. It didn't even look like him, did they switch the bodies?? D: His lips were flat and discolored. The blood stain remained on his head from when they put the stent in to drain the extra CSF. The bruise from the IV still visible. I did't stay long in front of him. I feel like I hallucinate that his eyes move or twitch because I hope so hard, and so badly wanted to touch him, I dare not.
I mingled, cried some more, brought up memories long lost and ever so precious now in light of his death. I am still in denial that he is gone.... he can't be. His fiance and kids... 5 of them under 5 years old, the youngest 8 months... This can't be real. This doesn't happen in real life does it??? Even as i type this, I sob.
Then the pastor started his sermon for Maurice. Beautiful words, no matter how much i didn't believe anything the pastor was saying. I believe that Maurice has things he needs to say. Final words. To his family and friends. He is not gone. I can feel it. Felt it for days. Things have been happening... that I can not expain. Seeing people out of the corner of my eyes, but when I look there is no one there... Autumn's metal strainer fell right off her play kitchen and clattered to the floor. It was not off balance... And when the pastor returned to speak behind the podium, the microphone let off continuous blasting of feedback... it didn't stop, the pastor had to turn off the microphone to continue the sermon... The music that played for us skipped... It's maurice, he's not gone yet. He's trying so hard to relay a message, i need to help him.
My desire to be a medium, because I know I have it in me, burns bright in my grief. I found some classes at a spiritualism church in ri... Im going tonight. I will listen to trance tapes if I need to to hone my skills. He needs to be heard...
After the sermon, I said good bye again. I made the mistake of touching his chest. Cold, and his body encased in plastic... Infuriated, and grief stricken. Then I stroked his cheek... like ice. I broke down, crying, and wailing my grief for him. No amount of tears seems to be enough... It will never be enough.
RIP Maurice L Cote
"The Good Die Young"
|Friday, November 2nd, 2007|
On seeking the light:
This is a bit heavy for a first post but I wanted to say 'hello'
I want you all to know upfront that I have no idea where this typing is going. I find as I get older that I think better/clearer when I put it down in words.
I’m at a strange place right now. I, like many spiritualists, am approaching a huge leap in my soul’s journey. Connections are flying fast and furious and I’m taking these connections as the gifts they are, however they compete with one another for my attention. One of my greatest downfalls is a sort of Spiritual Attention Deficit Disorder (Now to be called SADD); I get so excited over new experiences and concepts that I forget the things I’m already working on. I have to remain focused on the things that are most important to me and retain my center; it’s very hard for this bear.
2 things are important to me at the moment:
1) Gaining a community: Right now I’m seeking two of those. One with ties to all people and I (hope I) have found this in the Delaware Valley Pagan Network http://dvpn.org/
I met a few of them at a Samhain party and was very impressed at the energy and love in the room.
The other group is the Minoan Brotherhood http://www.minoan-brotherhood.org/
They are a spiritual/mystical tradition for Gay/Bi men. I’m hoping to get involved with them for learning to express and deepen my understanding of Sacred Sexuality.
2) Keep reaching for the Light and understanding the presence of recurring themes in my life. The connection of Egyptian energies and the style of Reiki I was taught, the constant draw toward ceremonial magic and the need to seek the meaning of certain beings in my life. I believe that like the Angel Raziel showed Adam, there is a path to oneness and I am on this path.
x-posted to my personal journal and Circle of Words Current Mood: contemplative
|Thursday, October 25th, 2007|
Spiritualist Creed 1
I believe in God, Infinite Intelligence, Creative Mind, without beginning, without end, in whom I move and have my being.
I know that I am eternal, always having existed in some form of manifestation with God: therefore, I am ageless.
I am living in the ever-present Eternal Now and realise that birth and death are only incidents in the everlastingness of eternity.
The Law of Infinite Intelligence is change, with constant progression; consequently, so-called death is but a change to another expression in the Eternal Now.
I know that there can be no separateness in the Kingdom of Creative Mind, and hat hence, across the border line between the two spheres of manifestation in eternal life, beings incarnate and decarnate can and do exchange intelligent thought.
I know that all is life, abundant life; there is no death. Current Mood: good
|Tuesday, September 25th, 2007|
Yesterday We went to the Fall Sacred Circle Ceremony at church. It was the first time I have ever attended one of these and it was truly beautiful. The mix of paganism and spiritualism was just right, the balance and energy were amazing!
As part of this We had to say a thanksgiving prayer and I thought that some here may like it so I will share it with you.( Thanksgiving PrayerCollapse ) Current Mood: refreshed
|Tuesday, January 10th, 2006|
|Monday, December 20th, 2004|
Ok. So after a day of meditation and hoping for something paranormal to happen I give up and come back inside to chat on aim. My friend (whom I havent spoken with outside of school) instant messages me and asks me if I know much about paranormal stuff. I say Yes, (I know I'm no scholar V_V) and he asks me if I would like to accompany him and a few people through a "hunt" so to speak throughout the woods behind his house.
However, he said that his brother, at the age of like 5 or so would say that there were demons in his house, and that it got so bad that his parents almost took him to get tests ect. That kind of freaked me out. I dont know enough to protect myself.. I dont think..( other information leading up to the eventCollapse )
So, should I go? Any advice for me? I have no idea what to do. My gut is telling me that something major will happen and change me. However, I dont know if it will be a good change or a bad change.
crossposted at alot of places.
|Saturday, December 11th, 2004|
Sorry, this may be irrelevant to the community, but lately I have been seeing a lot
of palms with an eye on it.
I'm 16, and when I was around 10 I painted this picture of a palm with an eye over it. I forgot all about it until recently. Now I've been seeing them everywhere. Anyone know the symbolism behind a palm with an eye on it?
|Saturday, December 4th, 2004|
...Hope you guys don't mind! I just started a community for Professional Psychics. Come check it out if you're, well, a professional psychic!propsychics
(soon to be x-posted everywhere!)
|Sunday, March 28th, 2004|
Happy early birthday to my baby!
I've decided for the next 2 weeks to offer a discount on my readings to get my baby Sebastian who's turning 3 a really nice present since he's been through a lot. I'll be charging 7 since it's our lucky number and not 15. Shame paypal takes so much of it! Tell your friends!
*Soon I'm going to have a page for people to post if they want about my readings just so you know what to expect and how pleased people are.
Anyhoos if you want a reading go here!
|Sunday, January 18th, 2004|
I joined here alittle while ago, but I never got around to writing an entry. I'm a Spiritualist and I live in NY. I've been a Spiritualist for about two years. I was a christian for the first thirteen years of my life, since I was raised to be one. Then I hopped around for a bit, searching for the right religion for me and I found Spiritualism through my searches into Lily Dale.
I hope to find some interesting talks here, and also a place to share some common beliefs. Current Mood: okay
|Tuesday, May 13th, 2003|
i teach meditation classes at the university of central florida in orlando. i have been a biofeedback therapist focusing on stress management for over 2 years and have just in the past 9 months developed a meditation class offered at the recreational center which has gotten rave reviews. i try to teach a different breathing technique in each session, as well as giving participants a chance to meet and greet, and untimately have a good 45 minutes to meditate to soothing music, or guided imagery. however, because of my school schedule (i am a graduate at UCF) i will be leaving this job at the end of the summer. i hope to be able to continue my meditation classes to help continue to bring peace and relaxation to whomever chooses to let my guidence within. Current Mood: full
Welcome To The Spiritualist Community!
Feel free to share your experiences of psychic development, meditation, mediumship and healings!
I am Susan, an associate minister about to be ordained at Lily Dale, NY in the Church of the Living Spirit; in association with Fellowship of the Spirit. I have just completed 2 years training through Fellowship at the Dale.
For those who don't know, Lily Dale is a Spiritualist Community in western NY, by Lake Chattaqua. I practice Mediumship and Spiritual Healings in and around Lakewood, OH. I also teach history at a local high school. This summer, I hope to find a program at a hospital that will allow me to do more healings on a regular basis.
Are you currently practicing Mediumship or Spiritual Healing or something similar? How do you work this into your daily life?